Angry (Feet)
by New Neon
Summary: Cross species interaction can be fraught with misunderstandings, especially when both parties are idiots. A Love/Hate Zosan fic where Sanji is a merman, Zoro is a human and both are stupid.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: The title is taken from a Tim Minchin song, it was just so perfect that I couldn't not. I might add to this fic later, I might not.

Sanji longs to dance and run, he wants to fight and kick, he wants to stand on tiptoes and leap with grace.

Sanji cannot do any of those things but he wants to so badly. He listens to the footsteps of people, he watches how each person's gait says something about their personality and wishes he could have that too. He climbs up the rocks overlooking the palace with some difficulty and watches balls with elegant waltzes and foxtrots.

It's one time that he's going back to where he belongs that he first sees the man. His hair is kelp green and Sanji would know. He's blatantly lost, staring down at the map in his hand and not watching where he's going. Sanji would call out to him but he doesn't want to get caught. Thankfully this is a problem that solves itself as the idiot walks straight off of a small outcrop and thuds down onto the one below it and the one below that, going ass over head over and over again before landing on the beach.

Sanji sighs, that fucker is almost certainly dead. No one can land on their head that much and still be okay. He slides down the rocks much more carefully and as such it takes about five minutes to reach him. The idiot seaweed head is dead on the beach only... when Sanji gets to him he's still breathing and noticeably not dead. Well, that's a miracle.

Sanji pulls at the map stuck under the idiot's leg and peers down at it, trying to see where was so important to get to that the idiot brained himself on three different rocks on the way down. Sanji gawps at the map. It's not that he doesn't know where this refers to, the place circled on the paper is more than familiar to Sanji with the unusual shape of its coastline. However, that's well over twenty miles away from where they are now and in the wrong direction to boot.

"You are a fucking kelp-brained idiot." Sanji mutters in horrified awe. He slaps the idiot upside the head.

The green hair's stupid eyes open up and he groans.

"You are a fucking kelp-brained idiot _and _you are lost." Sanji informs him, holding the map out into the guy' face

"Oh. You're... you're a mermaid." The idiot says stupidly, looking Sanji up and down.

Sanji snarls and grabs the moron's hands and presses them to his chest.

"Think again fuckface, I don't have the required body for a mermaid." Sanji points out.

"You have a tail." the guy notes succinctly. He looks down at Sanji's blue tail as if it might disappear.

"You really did land on your head a lot huh? Not a mer_maid._" Sanji emphasises, pressing the guy's hands to his (fuck you very much don't argue) _manly_ chest.

"Oh. Merman I guess, cool." the guy rumbles sounding fairly ambivalent. He keeps his hands where they are though on Sanji's chest before, and with a thoughtful expression on his face, flicking Sanji's nipples with both thumbs at once.

"You PERVERT!" Sanji howls and sits back to, once more, slap the guy upside the head with his tail fin. This time he does it so hard that the guy's teeth clack together and his head snaps back. The guy eventually looks at Sanji again, rubbing his jaw in thought.

"Not bad. I'm Zoro by the way." He introduces as if he hadn't just perved on Sanji mere seconds ago.

"I'm Sanji and I already hate you." Sanji remarks, shuffling backwards away from him in the sand. Fuck this guy, he's not dead and even if he was Sanji doesn't care. He just needs to get back into the ocean and go home.

"Hey wait, you said I was lost. How did you know that?" Zoro demands, leaping forward and getting a firm and slightly painful grip on Sanji's tail fin. The blonde hisses and sits up clawing at the asshole's hands and arms but to no effect. Sanji figures that if he wants to get away without losing a few scales he needs to answer the bastard.

"Because, shit for brains, your map says you need to be here." Sanji says, jabbing at the circle on the map.

"And you are _here_." He explains, jabbing on the other side of the map.

"Wait... that can't be right. I followed the directions. What do you know about walking anyway? You don't even have legs!" Zoro points out.

Sanji slaps him again with his tail for that, the comment cuts too close to the bone. He is so fucking done with this chuckle-headed moron. He claws his way to the ocean.

"Okay, that was a mean thing to say to a guy without feet. If it makes you feel better, I'm lucky to still have them. I tried to cut them off once!" Zoro laughs stupidly.

Something in Sanji's brain snaps. He would give anything for feet, to be able to do all of those things that humans take for granted. The next thing he knows he's hissing and trying to drag Zoro into the water by his boots, screaming that he's going to drown him. To Sanji's utter misery the bastard kicks him in the face, escapes from his boots and rushes away out of reach barefoot.

"I will follow you wherever you go near water you moron, mark my words I will DROWN you!" Sanji hisses and spits in warning as Zoro's fleeing back retreats into the night.

Zoro arrives at his destination a few days late, but it's okay because Nami told him the event she was inviting him to was several days earlier than it really is. So actually he's right on time!

Despite the accusation of his friends, he's not stupid. Zoro considers that he'd have to be pretty stupid to miss the dark shape following him along the coastline wherever he goes. The party itself is near the dock and Zoro thinks that the merman probably thinks he's being threatening when his face appears at the edge of the dock, silent and menacing. The merman draws finger across his throat, threatening to kill Zoro.

Zoro sighs to himself. He's a good guy for the most part, but sometimes people find him a bit brusque and rude. He's not at his best after a head injury either and despite himself Zoro couldn't help but want to fuck with the guy. Even so, he's been rude to a guy who really just tried to check he was alive and even give him directions, at least until Zoro offended him.

He should make amends. Zoro walks to the edge of the dock and looks down at the merman in the dark water who is currently glaring up at him with wet hair plastered to his skin.

"Look, perhaps we got off on the wrong foot." He offers.

Those were apparently the wrong words to say. The merman howls in rage and launches himself out of the water, tail flapping angrily as he gets enough lift to bodily grab Zoro by the knees and haul him back. Zoro just manages to reach out his arms in time to grab one of the dock posts and stop from being dragged under entirely.

"I thought mer-people were all serene and shit. Stop trying to murder me!" Zoro yells, kicking at the deranged watery blonde. The guy hisses at him again and yanks at his knees, trying to drag him under the water. He lands a kick to the guy's ribs and the blonde claws his way up Zoro's chest.

"Drown you bastard!" The blonde yells at him. Zoro is still not budging but the guy seems serious. He winds his tail tightly around Zoro's leg and hauls himself up Zoro's body trying to reach his hands. If this asshole manages to get to his fingers then Zoro will fall off and he will drown if this guy has anything to do with it.

Zoro does the only defensive thing that he can think of, he bites the nipple that's dead in front of him. It has the desired effect, the guy yelps and pulls back. Zoro doesn't let go of his nipple but he does ease back on the pressure.

"What the SHIT?!" The blonde yelps. Zoro shrugs mentally, figuring that this might just get the bastard off of him. He presses his lips to the wet flesh of the mermaid and runs his tongue over the nipple there, his teeth just pinching at the nub. The merman flails and drops off of him, his hands flying indignantly to his chest at he does so. Zoro scrambles back onto the dock and looks down at the merman in the sea. His face and his ear fins are bright red in embarrassment, or maybe something else too.

"See, you're rubbing yourself all over me and trying to kill me and I don't even know your name. What about my virgin honour?" Zoro grins down at him.

"I told you my name already, but you'd smacked what little brains you had out on a rock if you recall. That doesn't give you the right to just- DO THAT!" The guy snarls.

"Oh. Remind me?" Zoro asks, feeling genuinely bad for forgetting it.

"My name is Sanji and you'll remember it for later you fucker. I'll be the last thing you scream out." Sanji yells at him.

Zoro raises an eyebrow.

"As I DROWN you! Not like- oh fuck you!" The blonde snarls, his earfins still deliciously red as he dives back under the surface of the water with a flash of blue tail. Zoro grins and makes his way back to the beach, he quite likes the guy.

Sanji stalks his prey everywhere that he can, following him at the waters edge, just waiting for him to get close enough again. He will die. Sanji will drag him under and watch the bubbles float out of his dead mouth. That'll teach him.

Eventually Zoro does return to the waters edge, with a friend this time. A rubber guy who appears to have a devil's fruit power. Good, he can't help Zoro then. They're picking coconuts from the waters edge and as soon as he's separated a little bit from his friend Sanji strikes. He wraps both arms around Zoro's legs and drags him back towards the sea. With three hauls he's got his tail back in the water and with four Zoro's flailing is making Sanji's work easier instead of harder, reducing the amount of drag on the beach by sitting up and trying to fight back. Soon Sanji has him up to hip height in the water and seconds after that he's fully under.

The water isn't deep enough here for Sanji to drag him deep enough for the pressure to pop him like a balloon, he's just going to have to hold him down and wait for him to die.

Fists and angry fingers tear at Sanji's skin as Zoro struggles. A hard punch lands on Sanji's left ear fin and it stuns Sanji enough to let him go for a second. Before he can react Zoro is out of his arms and swimming for the surface. Sanji catches him before he makes it but he gets a punch in the head for his troubles.

Zoro's face pulls into a snarl that releases a few bubbles, good, let him breathe his precious air away.

What happens next is entirely unexpected.

Zoro snaps down and grabs Sanji behind the ear fins, as Sanji's mouth opens in surprise Zoro clamps his mouth to Sanji's and exhales a good lungful of air into his mouth. The combo of air and water rushing through his gills at the same time chokes Sanji. He flails and releases the moss head as he chokes and struggles to force enough water through his gills before his body forgets what it's supposed to be breathing right now. He scowls up at Zoro's retreating form as he hauls ass through the water, his feet on the submerged sand now.

This guy is good.

Zoro should not be this concerned about a guy who has tried to kill him quite a few times now. He's lost count of exactly how many, perhaps it's the repeated oxygen deprivation that's doing it. They'd been fighting again, Sanji was trying to drown him and Zoro was expressing his disapproval with that plan. He'd managed to plant a foot in Sanji's chest and kick him away. That'd shoved them far enough apart that Zoro could surface and ride a wave back to shore as he paddled like a madman.

When he'd recovered from coughing on the beach he looked around. Sanji had caught him unawares too many times for him to feel safe this close to the water. A flash of blonde hair on rocks alerted him to Sanji's presence.

That puts him where he is now, namely worried. He has a weakly fighting merman in his arms who is dripping blood all down his clothes. He yells and hollers for Chopper and places Sanji on the beach. His ribs are a mess. There's a huge bloody patch on his side and as Zoro feels it out, tuning out Sanji's copious swearing as he does so, it feels to him like something is at least broken.

"How'd you manage to fucking hit the rocks on that wave when I made it ashore just fine? I thought you were supposed to be a good swimmer." Zoro mutters with anger that has nowhere to go but to Sanji.

"Fuck you and the seahorse you swam in on." Sanji spits out, blood trickling over his lips.

Chopper arrives and quickly sets about assessing the damage. He is the only one not to express any form of concern about helping the guy who keeps trying to drown Zoro. To Chopper a patient is a patient, no matter what. Zoro doesn't want the guy to die, he seems nice. Mostly. Somewhere deep, _deep_ down.

"It's a fractured rib, I'm going to bandage it for you. I'm afraid this will hurt. Zoro could you hold him down?" Chopper asks. He reaches for Sanji's ribs but the blonde resists.

"I don't need any of your help, fuck you." Sanji snarls weakly, trying to shuffle back to the sea. Zoro is having none of it, grabbing a tight grip on Sanji's wrists and hauling him back before pinning him down. Sanji's tail thrashes and Zoro says nothing mocking as his shark like teeth bite into the leather of Zoro's boots. When Chopper is done bandaging the merman Zoro lets him go.

"Your ribs are broken, you'll need to stay away from anything strenuous for a month or so. Perhaps such as... trying to drown our namaka." Chopper suggests hopefully.

"You can stay here with us whilst you recover." Zoro offers quietly, looking into the merman's eyes. They're blue, a perfect sky blue.

"I'd rather die, you shit-bastard." Sanji snarls weakly.

"Ok, suit yourself." Zoro shrugs. He scoops Sanji up delicately and walks back into the sea. He's up to his shoulders in the ocean when Sanji's tail weakly flutters in the water and the merman slides out of his arms.

Sanji's arms are crossed over his midsection and he looks like he's still in pain. He lingers there in the water for a few long and silent moments before disappearing under the water with a slow tail flick.


	2. Chapter 2

Sanji doesn't like owing anyone anything. He can cope with a genuine act of spontaneous kindness, the kind that happens just because someone is in the right place at the right time. He does those for people and so he doesn't mind having them happen to him so much. What Zoro did though was kindness when there was no reason for it. He'd been trying to drown the kelpy bastard and then when they struggled apart Sanji got smashed on the rocks, he deserved it for losing a fight with a human. And yet... Zoro did help him. Zoro took him ashore and got his nakama to patch him up and then he let him free back into the sea.

Sanji's ribs are almost completely healed, he'll still get a little twinge if he turns back on himself too sharply but other than that he's fine. All thanks to Zoro.

It seems that Zoro is a sailor of some kind, they're on a ship with a little sheep head on it. He's been following them at a lazy pace and he keeps catching Zoro peering over the edge of the ship for him now and then. Sanji's not entirely sure why he's still following Zoro. Is he really going to try to drown him again after Zoro helped him that much? He's not sure. Maybe. Certainly whenever he hears the bastard talk he has an inescapable urge to murder him.

He follows the ship underwater because, well, that's what he does now.

One night however the ship is beset by a monster of a storm. Even from Sanji's position a good twenty feet under the water it's buffeting him about and he can see that their little ship is struggling to stay afloat. He feels a sinking sensation in his heart, he can't see how their ship can survive this, he's seen amazing sailors and navigators drowned in less than this. Surprisingly their little vessel seems to be easing its way through the lightest parts of the storm, dodging the whirlpools and undercurrents. Sanji has no idea how they're doing it but he follows their ship, keeping a wary eye on the pitch and tilt of the vessel.

Sanji pops his head above the water and scans the ship, he can see Zoro in the rigging, plastered with rain and illuminated by flashes of lightning in the distance. He's trying to do something to keep the sail in place but Sanji can't see well enough to work out what he's doing and he's not knowledgeable enough about ships to guess. He gasps at the ship runs into the edge of a whirlpool and violently pitches to the side.

Zoro is highlighted in the air by a strike of lightning before he plummets down into the whirlpool. Sanji is back under the surface and racing towards where Zoro ought to be. It's hard to find him, the water is murky with displaced sand and silt and the currents are smacking Sanji to and fro as well. It's minutes until he manages to find the idiot and drag him to the surface.

Sanji thanks the spirit of the Otohimi that Zoro coughs out the lungful of water as soon as Sanji drags him into the air. The ship is spinning away and Sanji can't rescue anyone else if they fall over, he just has to hope that no one else has the same accident.

It's hard to swim whilst holding Zoro above the surface but he manages it, he has no idea where he's headed but he needs to get Zoro to shore. Slowly the sea bed rises up to meet him and within an hour he's dragged Zoro onto the beach of a small island and pulled him far up enough the sand that he's unlikely to get pulled out to sea again. Sanji leans up on his arms and looks down at Zoro's wet features, his gently closed eyes and slightly parted lips. He runs his hand along Zoro's hairline for a lingering moment.

"WAKE UP FUCKFACE!" Sanji yells and backhands him in a very judicious manner. Zoro's head snaps to the side and he groans unhappily.

"Move your feet you unworthy sack of meat, you need to start a fire or you'll freeze to death. I might be able to live in the cold ocean but you can't!" Sanji barks out.

Zoro sits up all dizzy and uncoordinated. He rubs his head and groans again.

"Chop chop brainless wonder! FIRE!" Sanji yells. In truth he's scared for Zoro and the only way that he can tell how to express that is through yelling at him to ensure he's going to be okay. It's good intentions at a loud volume.

Zoro moves into action in uncoordinated pieces, his legs stumbling in a way that makes Sanji wonder if the idiot has hit his head or something. By the time Zoro's got the materials together for a fire he's shaking so violently that he can't manage to light it. Sanji sighs and crawls up on the beach, leaving tail tracks in his wake. He takes the sticks from Zoro and imitates how he rubbed them together, he's never done this before, being a merman he's never had a lot of need for starting fires, perhaps he should carry a lighter with him if this is going to be a regular occurrence.

Zoro rests on his side and breathes shaky breaths out on the base of the stick. Soon enough smoke appears and then the beginnings of fire, at that point Zoro takes over, gently adding small pieces of debris to the pile until it's bigger. His trembling starts to subside as the warmth of the fire washes over him and Sanji relaxes bit by bit.

"Did you see anyone else fall out other than me?" Zoro asks, his voice slow and cold. His eyes don't leave the fire and Sanji isn't sure what answer Zoro wants to hear from him.

"I didn't but... I didn't stick around to see, I just grabbed you and got out of there." He answers warily.

Zoro moves fast. He slams Sanji back down on the beach and thank goodness he's flexible because his tail is bent double underneath him, Zoro's snarling face is inches from his own.

"WHY would you save ME when they were in danger?! My nakama needed help and you just took _me_?! WHY?!" Zoro roars at him.

He is clearly upset. Sanji punches him in the nose, flicks his tail out from under him and catches Zoro in between the legs with it. That'll help.

"I can only save one person, it was hard enough keeping you above the water, I couldn't do it with anyone else. Besides, it's not like I saw anyone else but you fall in, I didn't _choose_ you above anyone else if that's what you're pissed about. And you're fucking WELCOME for me saving your worthless human life anyway!" Sanji snarls back at Zoro's crouched form.

"Why would you save me? You've been trying to kill me ever since I met you, you've been trying to drown me no less and the moment I stand a chance of drowning you save me? Why?" Zoro mutters, his hands clenched in the sand.

Huh. Good fucking question. Sanji doesn't have a true answer to hand so a bullshit made up on the spot one will have to do.

"_I_ want to drown you, I don't want to just see you drown. It's a subtle but important difference." Sanji sniffs primly.

"Fine." the human says in a dead voice and turns back to face the fire, his arms wrapped around himself.

It's silent now and oppressively so. Sanji looks out into the ocean and thinks for a moment.

"If you stay here and keep warm I can go find your ship again. See if the others made it and find a way to bring you back there if they're still ok." Sanji offers quietly.

The human looks over at him, his eyes sad but grateful.

"Thank you." Is all he says.

"Ugh. Just... keep warm okay?" Sanji mutters and slides into the water, flipping and skimming quickly out to sea. He retraces his route easily enough, though he's turned around once or twice by avoiding whirlpools and the like. To his surprise when he reaches Zoro's ship it's upright and sitting innocently in clear blue skies and sunshine.

"We need to go back and find him!" Someone above shouts.

"I've no idea where or when we even lost him, I can't just get us back there like that!" A woman replies with an upset yell. Sanji's ears perk up at the female voice.

"We have to _try _Nami, you know he would for us!" Another voice chips in.

"OI!" Sanji shouts up from the sea. He slams his fist on the side of the ship a few times to get their attention. After a moment the face of the little reindeer who bandaged him up peers over the side.

"It's the merman! The one that Zoro's been fighting with!" The reindeer announces. Several other heads appear over the side.

"The name is Sanji." Sanji replies irritably, he's not his whole goddamn species after all.

"What, are you here to gloat about us losing him? You've been trying to drown him for ages now, you're probably over the moon." A red haired woman snarls at him, her eyes are filled with angry tears and Sanji's heart wrenches for her.

"No, he's fine. I dragged him ashore about an hour away, if you give me a boat I can bring him back here." Sanji answers instead. The expression of all of Zoro's crew lighten instantly, he must be well liked.

"Get a boat now, and some rope." The one with the hat orders. Sanji supposes that he must be in charge around here, funny, he thought it'd be Zoro in charge. Ah, well. This crew probably stands a better chance of living if that idiot isn't in command.

He waits patiently in the water whilst they lower a boat and some rope down. The furry one insists on filling the boat with warm clothes, waterproofs, water and food for Zoro and covering the entire thing in a tarp to keep it all safe. There's a rope threaded through the metal things for the oars, Sanji has no idea what they're called of course, he's never even been in a boat before. With the rope though he can swim under the boat and pull it along behind him without tipping the boat forwards.

"Isn't it going to be hard getting that boat through the storm to Zoro and then back again if you have to be on the surface?" The orange haired woman asks him nervously.

"It's certainly going to be harder than getting here was, I'd better get moving." Sanji sighs forlornly and settles the middle of the rope around his torso.

"Hey, thank you for this... you didn't have to." The girl says, touching his arm. Sanji shivers and blushes. He manages to mumble out something about how she's welcome and a beautiful lady like her should get all she desires, then before he can make a bigger fool out of himself he dives down and sets off back towards Zoro.

Good god he has no idea how humans survive in boats. Whenever the boat pitches and rolls it yanks him with it, even with his strength in the water the whole thing is frankly starting to make him a little motion sick. As if that crime against nature wasn't enough he's getting rope burn from every time the rope yanks at him. He has to give whirlpools a wide berth to avoid getting the boat sucked in and drenched.

It takes him three times as long to get back to Zoro as it did to get from him to the ship and Sanji is way more tired than he ought to be when he gets there. Zoro is already standing up on those legs that he doesn't even deserve and watching Sanji come in as he approaches the island. At least the bastard runs out into the sea and drags the boat off of Sanji and drags it to shore himself. As soon as he's done that he sprints back out into the water, splashing it everywhere and picks Sanji up bridal style, leaving his masculinity to wash away with the waves. Bastard.

"Your friends are all fine, you're the only one who took a drink in the sea. They sent this boat full of lots of heavy shit for you so I can bring you back." Sanji groans. Good god everything hurts.

"Are you okay? No offence but you look like shit." Zoro says, setting Sanji gently down on the beach.

"Well, I was going to be super offended there but since you said no offence, we're cool." Sanji sighs, his eyes shutting wearily.

"Oh really now?" Zoro teases him back with a grin. Sanji doesn't bother to respond and instead just slaps Zoro wetly with his fin and rolls face down on the beach to rest.

Zoro leaves him alone after that and instead goes to investigate the little rowboat and its contents. He takes a big swig of water and eats a little of the food. He strips off his newly wet clothes and starts to dry himself off with a towel.

Not that Sanji is watching of course. Never.

If he was watching he wouldn't be admiring Zoro's perfectly muscled ass that's for sure, he wouldn't be staring at the dimples in his lower back just above it or the way the muscle is leanly defined. His eyes wouldn't be running over Zoro's deliciously defined hamstrings as he bends over and kicks his way out of his black trousers. He certainly wouldn't be admiring how that sunkissed tan runs all over his body, not at all.

Sanji is face down in the sand by the time Zoro looks back at him in his clean change of clothes, it's the quickest way for him to quell his blush and think about his life choices and why he seems to be leering at a guy he's repeatedly attempted to drown.

"Hey, I've got food and drink here if you want it, you should have some too." Zoro offers him, crouching down next to him on the beach.

"Don't start, just... just get in the boat and then I can return you to your group and forget this day ever happened." Sanji grumbles, ushering Zoro to the small boat and sliding himself into the water and getting the rope around himself. The journey back is a little less tiring, the storm has mostly moved on a little and dissipated in places but by the time Sanji presses his palm against the hull of the boat he's thoroughly exhausted. He bobs under the surface and hears Zoro and the other humans talking to each other, he leans forward and rests his head on the wood. After this he's got to find somewhere to sleep and when he does he's pretty sure he'll sleep for about a million years.

A strong hand closes around his wrist and pulls him up above the surface, the difference in tension makes Sanji whine unhappily. Zoro peers down at him for a moment before yanking him up higher and then catching him under his arm.

"You saved my life, the least I can do is to get you up here to have a rest or to get you some attention for that rope burn." Zoro insists, climbing up the ladder on the side of the ship.

"I'll have a look at that Zoro! I want to see how his ribs have healed too!" the reindeer pipes up.

"Ugh, no. I'm fine. I'll just sleep it off. You helped me out with my ribs, I helped out out. We're even now and I can go back to trying to drown you, if you drag me up there then this whole stupid cycle will start again." Sanji protests, squirming weakly in Zoro's arms.

"God, then we might actually be nice to each other on a regular basis." Zoro remarks with mock horror, still climbing the ladder with Sanji under his arm.

"The horror." Sanji agrees with a weak grin.

Zoro puts him on the deck first and immediately the little reindeer is fussing over him, looking at the place on his chest where the rope rubbed and feeling up his old rib injuries. After that the guy with the hat on comes by and slaps him on the shoulder, thanking him for saving his nakama's life. In all honesty it's a bit of an exhaustion soaked blur. What he does remember though is Zoro putting him in a large bath and running it until it's almost overflowing, he remembers the way that Zoro's hand dipped under the water and carded through his hair. It's the last thing he feels before sleep overtakes him.


End file.
